A Job Seekers’ Guide to the Real Meaning of Job Descriptions
We’ve all seen them… job postings that look too good to be true. And like Mom always said, “If it appears too good to be true, it most surely is.”
I’ve been in recruiting for over 20 years. During my tenure, I’ve seen tens of thousands of job descriptions fly across my desk. Some job requirements are very specific, some are vague, a few are humorous, and some are downright misleading.
For those newbie job seekers taking a first look at job descriptions, I thought I would compile a fun little list of what the most popular job description terms MIGHT mean. Obviously, this is a little tongue-in-cheek. So the items on this list may actually have another, more sincere meaning.
A Job Seekers’ Guide to the Real Meaning of Job Descriptions:
The person who previously held this position suddenly quit and walked out; good luck with training and transition into this role.
You’ll be making minimum wage… for a long time.
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING PEOPLE
We’re actually looking for people who still live with their parents and don’t mind making minimum wage.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY
We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers and figure out what to do.
Management doesn’t train and won’t answer questions.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER
We’re not going to supply you with leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait over 30 days for your first commission check.
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control at all.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
Some each night and some each weekend.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
You’ll need it to replace the three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD
You whine, you’re fired.
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM
Be prepared for motivational tapes, seminars and a lot of non-productive meetings.
We have the most amount of turnover in our industry.
FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT
Your co-workers will be insulted if you don’t go out drinking with them.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress well; most employees are in t-shirts, shorts, sandals and wear earrings (and that’s the men).
SALARY RANGE X-Y
You’ll start at the lower figure… and like it.
Work 60 hours; get paid for 30.
DUTIES MAY VARY
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER
A news organization recently broadcast a fraud expose on us.
WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED
Those who missed the last round of lay-offs, that is.
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a deductible and a co-pay.
The profit is shared amongst the C-suite executives; after that, there isn’t any profit to share.
After three years, you’ll be allowed to join a 401(k), without any matching contributions.
APPLY IN PERSON
If you’re old, fat, or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
I would love to hear from those of you who have job description terms I may have neglected to include and define on this list.